


Longing

by triste



Category: No. 6 - Asano Atsuko
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-01
Updated: 2011-08-01
Packaged: 2017-10-22 01:41:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/232296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triste/pseuds/triste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It’s okay for me to love you, isn’t it?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Longing

Title: Longing  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: No. 6  
Pairing: Nezumi/Shion  
Rating: PG  
Warnings: AU  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

~~

Nezumi isn’t in his classroom when Shion goes searching for him. Nobody knows where he’s gone when he asks around. It’s a Wednesday, so he doesn’t have club activities, but he doesn’t respond when Shion texts him on his cell phone. He’s not on the roof, his favourite place to hang out (it’s quiet and away from all the other students, and he likes high places for some reason) or even at the library.

Shion is about to give up and go home alone when he finds Nezumi quite by accident outside the gym. He’s about to call out to him, but then he sees that he’s not alone. There’s a girl with him. Shion doesn’t recognise her, but she looks like she might be an upperclassman.

He can already guess what this is about, and he proves himself right when he hears her confess. She stumbles over her words, shy and uncertain, her gaze fixed on the ground instead of meeting Nezumi’s, only looking up when she waits for him to answer.

“I’m not interested,” says Nezumi, his expression one of boredom. “Sorry.”

He’s as blunt as ever, but at least he brings himself to apologise. It isn’t much use when the girl who’s crushing on him is about to cry from being rejected so easily, but at least she doesn’t go into hysterics like the last one did. She merely steps back and bows humbly before taking her leave. It’s a dignified exit, and it almost makes Shion feel sorry for her.

He waits until she’s out of sight before he speaks, but Nezumi beats him to it.

“You can come out now.”

Shion has no idea how he does it. Nezumi seems to possess the uncanny ability of sensing his presence. Or maybe Shion really is that bad at hiding himself.

“You could have let her down a bit more gently,” he berates.

“It’s better this way. She’ll get over it eventually.” Nezumi shrugs. “Of course, this wouldn’t be happening if only you’d let me tell the truth.”

“You know I can’t.”

There are many reasons why Shion insists on keeping their relationship secret. Nezumi is popular among the other students. It’s not just girls. He’s well liked and admired by a lot of people, especially since he joined the drama club in their first year. It’s a stark contrast to Shion, who tries not to stand out too much. He’s quiet and studious and good at blending into the background (at least as much as his unusual hair colour will allow).

“But it bothers you, right?” Nezumi says. “Don’t pretend that it doesn’t.”

Shion smiles. Nezumi reads him all too easily. “It’s okay. Really.” Then he changes the subject. “Do you want to come over to my place? We’re having hot pot for dinner tonight.”

“Sure. It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

Nezumi lives alone in a tiny one-room apartment. He has no family to return to. Both his parents passed away when he was small. He never admits to being lonely, but Shion knows better. It’s why he makes sure to invite Nezumi to his house as often as possible. Besides, his mother adores him. She loves to have him visit.

They call at the supermarket first for Shion to buy the ingredients. He and his mother take it in turns to cook. She’s always so busy with the bakery, which is why Shion does what he can to help. Nezumi teases him for being such a mama’s boy. Shion is unable to deny it.

“What are you thinking about?” asks Nezumi, nudging him with an elbow.

“Hmm?” Shion looks up from the display of vegetables he’s perusing. “Oh, just my mom and stuff.”

Nezumi snickers something that sounds suspiciously like ‘Oedipus complex’. Shion concentrates on ignoring him.

Even so, it’s kind of nice getting to do things like this together. As boring and mundane as shopping for groceries may be, Shion cherishes these moments. The two of them don’t spend nearly enough time together as far as he’s concerned. It doesn’t help that they’re in different classes. They don’t always have the opportunity to hang out after school, either. Shion is often busy with student council duties, and Nezumi has his part time job at the local bookstore.

It’s why the weekends are so important. It’s the only time when they can just be with each other and not have to worry about anything else. Mostly they spend them at home. They rarely ever go out. They can’t do the kind of things normal couples do, after all, no matter how much Shion wishes they could. He’ll never tell Nezumi, but he wants them to go out on dates. It doesn’t matter where. It could be the cinema, the park or even the zoo. He wants to hold hands in public, to bring Nezumi a boxed lunch to school every morning, to let the whole world know they’re in love.

But he can’t and it hurts.

Something must be showing on his face because Nezumi nudges him again.

“You okay?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Shion replies. “I’m fine.”

~~

Karan’s face lights up when they walk through the front door, but she’s too occupied with serving a customer to start doting on Nezumi. It’ll be at least another hour before she closes shop, so they dump the groceries in the fridge and head upstairs to Shion’s room.

They get their homework out of the way first (World History for Shion, English and Math for Nezumi). Shion is the one who puts in the most effort, as usual, but then he does need to maintain his keep as the top of the year. Nezumi jokes about him being some sort of super genius, but he really just works hard to get his grades. Nezumi is different. He only does the bare minimum in order to pass. It’s something Shion has scolded him for many times, but Nezumi doesn’t care.

“Don’t you ever think about the future?” he asks. “We’re already halfway through high school, you know. We’ll be graduating next year.”

And then he’ll be going to college. He’s still not sure which one yet. It depends how well he does on the entrance exams. His teachers are encouraging him to aim high. He’s an honour student, so it makes sense.

It’s likely that he’ll have to move away, that he’ll have to leave Nezumi behind, but he can’t stand the idea. He can’t imagine not being able to share his life with him anymore. He doesn’t know what Nezumi wants to do once they’ve gained their diplomas. Rumours drift around that he’ll go into kabuki, or maybe even get scouted for Hollywood, but they only make Nezumi laugh.

“I haven’t decided yet,” says Nezumi, twirling his pen around gracefully. “Maybe we’ll get married.”

“And maybe pigs will fly.” Shion gives him a reproachful sigh. “Please be serious.”

“I always am.”

“That’s a lie.” They really need to discuss this, but now is obviously not the time. “It doesn’t matter. I’m going to make dinner.”

Nezumi catches Shion’s wrist as he’s about to get up, his thumb rubbing the inside of it gently in apology. “Want me to help?”

“You’re a guest,” Shion insists. “There’s no need for you to do anything.”

“Shion,” Nezumi says warningly, tightening his grip. _“What do you want?”_

Shion bites his lip. _‘Everything,’_ is how he’d like to answer. _‘I want everything when it comes to you.’_ But instead, he smiles pleasantly and says, “You can peel the vegetables. How does that sound?”

He’s running away again, and he knows how much Nezumi hates it when he does that. It’s a wonder he’s put up with him for so long, but he lets it slide instead of pushing the issue.

Thanks to Karan, dinner is a lively experience. She praises Shion on how much his cooking has improved and raises her eyebrows when he gives her the news. “My,” she exclaims, gazing fondly at Nezumi. “Another confession?”

“The third one this month,” Shion announces.

“It’s because he’s so handsome and charismatic,” Karan claims. “Girls can’t help falling for him.”

“They don’t have to be such a pain about it,” Nezumi grumbles, not sounding terribly flattered. “Just like Shion doesn’t have to be so jealous.”

“I am not,” Shion mutters sullenly. “And stop talking about this stuff in front of my mom.”

Karan gives him a reassuring pat on the arm. “You should have more faith in Nezumi. He’s not going to cheat on you.”

“I never said he was!”

Shion sulks his way through the rest of the meal in embarrassment. Nezumi rolls his eyes as they wash the dishes together afterwards.

“How much longer do you plan on pouting?” he asks, dodging the towel that Shion throws at his face.

“Until you admit that I’m not jealous.”

“Which is never going to happen, so just give it up.” Nezumi doesn’t speak again until he finishes putting the dishes away. “Is it okay if I spend the night?”

“Huh?” Shion blinks in confusion. “Oh, sure. I’ll get the spare futon.”

Nezumi shakes his head. There’s something in his eyes that makes Shion swallow hard. He can’t bring himself to look away when Nezumi is staring at him like this. “There’s no need.”

Shion knows exactly what he’s implying. They’ve shared a bed before, but only to sleep. Not that it’s stopped them from fooling around. And it has been a long time since they did. According to the clock on the wall, it’s been three days, one hour and eighteen minutes since their last kiss. He’s kept track.

“What about my mom?” he whispers, lowering his voice just in case she happens to be nearby. “Her room is right next to mine.”

He can’t bring himself to talk about sex while his mother is under the same roof. The walls aren’t even that thin, but it doesn’t make the situation any less awkward. They should have gone to Nezumi’s apartment instead. Shion wouldn’t feel so embarrassed making out there.

“So stay quiet,” Nezumi whispers back, his fingers warm and playful at the nape of Shion’s neck.

But Shion locks the door that night just in case. His mother doesn’t say anything, but she probably knows. She’s a lot more observant and perceptive than he is. “Just kissing,” he warns, letting Nezumi lead him to the bed. He has the better eyesight, and they haven’t bothered turning on the light yet. “Nothing more.”

He gasps when Nezumi pushes him down onto his back, the mattress squeaking loudly under their weight.

“Shh,” Nezumi hisses. His mouth closes over Shion’s before he can protest, and Shion has to suppress the urge to moan. Nezumi is heavy on top of him, but he likes it. He likes it even more when Nezumi’s lips scatter kisses over his throat.

“No hickeys,” he says, breathless, earning himself a heartfelt “fuck” from Nezumi. Shion understands his frustration completely. Nezumi isn’t the only one who hates having to hide and pretend and hold himself back. It’s the same for Shion. But they have to do this. “It’ll be all right,” he adds softly, reaching up to run his fingers through Nezumi’s hair.

Nothing bad will happen.

 _It’s okay,_ Shion tells him silently. _I’ll protect you._

~~

The next day at school feels like a repeat of the last. Shion finds Nezumi in a different place and with a different girl, but the setting is the same. When Nezumi turns her down, she doesn’t run away in tears or politely excuse herself. She just looks straight at him and asks, “Is there someone you already like?”

There’s a moment of silence (a dramatic pause, as Nezumi would put it).

“Yeah,” he says. “If you’re a part of the student council too, then you probably know him. It’s Shion from 2-A.”

Just like that, Shion’s whole world turns upside down. His mouth is dry and his palms are sweaty and he’s shaking all over. He’s not sure how he should feel, but terrified and confused seem about right.

He waits until it’s safe to show himself and then in takes him another few seconds to gasp out, “What on earth have you done?”

For some reason, Nezumi looks extraordinarily pleased. “I bet the news will be all over school tomorrow. Women can never keep their mouths shut when it comes to gossip.”

“But... but...” Shion can only gawk. “Everyone will find out!”

“I know, right?”

“Then why?”

“Because I was getting sick of this whole façade,” Nezumi says firmly. “And so were you. I’m tired of deceiving people. I’m tired of having to act when I’m not even standing on a stage. I’m tired of not being able to talk to other people about you and tell them ‘he’s mine, he belongs to me’.”

“But it’s not that simple,” says Shion. “We can’t do things like that. We just can’t.”

“Yes,” says Nezumi. “Yes we can.” Then he checks his cell phone. “I’ve got to go to work. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And then he leaves.

~~

Shion is tempted to take the next day off sick. He doesn’t think he can face going to school. Somehow, he finds himself turning up anyway. He tries to pass it off as his imagination as he heads to class, but people really do stare and whisper when he walks past.

He doesn’t listen to any of them, but it’s hard to remain his usual oblivious self. Several girls approach his desk before homeroom to confirm the rumours. Shion doesn’t tell them anything. They leave him alone at last to wander away in disappointment when he notices a hushed conversation between two of his male classmates at the back of the room. He refuses to pay attention at first, but then he overhears their conversation. They’re talking about Nezumi, but that’s not the worst of it. The things they say make Shion’s blood boil, and he’s halfway across the room before he’s even aware of what he’s doing. He can’t remember ever being quite this angry, and he lashes out instinctively. They’re insulting Nezumi. That’s all he can think about. They’re insulting him so they deserve to be punished.

He’s still screaming when the vice class rep manages to drag him away, and the other guy is bleeding from where Shion has punched him so hard. Everyone is watching him, some of them in fear, some of them in bemusement. Shion can’t blame them. Even he wouldn’t be able to recognise himself right now.

For the first time in his life he skips class, seeking out sanctuary on the roof. He remembers too late that he’s left his bag behind and that he’ll have to retrieve it eventually, but for the time being at least, he just wants to be alone.

He doesn’t regret what he’s done, but it scares him. He can’t recall hitting anyone before, or even losing his temper. Wishing he could turn back the clock doesn’t work, not that he actually expected it to, and unless he smacks his head spectacularly hard on something, he can’t even erase his own memories of the event.

Hugging his knees to his chest, Shion wonders how he’ll ever be able to show his face again. He wonders if he’ll get expelled when the teachers find out. There’s also the possibility that he might get arrested for committing a criminal offence or at least be forced to transfer schools.

Nezumi is the one who finds him this time, and he’s still crying because everything feels so jumbled up inside him. “Hey,” he says gently, sitting down beside Shion. “I hear you almost beat someone half to death.”

“Oh god,” Shion moans, a sinking sensation in his stomach. “Did I really come that close to killing him?”

“Hardly,” Nezumi snorts. “You punch like a girl. Even if you used your full strength you wouldn’t be able to knock someone out.”

“Thank goodness. I don’t want to go to prison. That would be awful.”

Nezumi hesitates, like he’s not sure whether Shion will push him away or not, but then he makes his decision and slides an arm around Shion’s shaking shoulders. “Idiot. What the hell did you get so worked up about?”

A tiny hiccup breaks free from Shion’s throat. “They were saying things about you,” he murmurs, rubbing his eyes. “Such horrible things. It made me so furious to hear them.” He doesn’t add that Nezumi wasn’t the only one they were talking about, but that’s not important. “I’ve never been this frustrated before. I couldn’t stand it.”

“So you went batshit crazy on their ass.” It’s a straightforward, succinct statement that makes Shion hang his head in shame. Nezumi squeezes his shoulder. “Forget about it. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care what other people say.”

“Well I do!” Shion exclaims. “It may not bother you, but I can’t let it go. I won’t forgive anyone who badmouths you. It’s just too cruel.”

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing. Let it go.”

The minutes pass by in silence as Shion concentrates on taking in deep, calming breaths. Eventually, he succeeds in calming down. The way Nezumi strokes his hair is a big help. “I never wanted this to happen,” he says mournfully. “I wish it would all just disappear.”

“But you feel better, right?” says Nezumi, putting a finger to Shion’s lips to prevent him from protesting. “Yes you do. I know it. You’re glad you got to flip out at least once in your life instead of bottling everything up like you usually do. You need to express your emotions more. It’s no good locking them away. When you’re mad, get mad. When you’re happy, smile. And when you’re sad... well, you’re already crying.”

It sounds so simple in theory, but Shion is too socially inept to properly comprehend. He’s used to being called weird or strange or peculiar. Even Nezumi accuses him of being all three on a regular basis. Unfortunately, since there’s no useful manual on how to interact correctly with other human beings, he’s left to flounder on his own and, because he’s only human himself, he makes mistakes.

Maybe Nezumi is right. Maybe it’s wrong for him to be so upset.

No, Shion thinks. It’s not. It can’t be. There’s nothing bad about wanting to defend someone he holds precious.

“What should I do?” he implores. “Where do we go from here?”

“Wherever the hell we want,” Nezumi states, making up in confidence what Shion lacks. “For starters,” he adds, grinning, “I doubt I’ll be finding anymore love letters in my shoe box. Unless they’re from you, naturally.”

Which would never happen because Shion isn’t the type of person who would do anything so fanciful and ridiculous. It’s not that he hasn’t considered it. It’s on his list of things to do that won’t get done, and it seems to grow longer every day. “It’s not a love letter,” he confesses. “But I did write you a poem once.”

“Why didn’t you give it to me?”

Shion picks guiltily at the sleeve of his blazer. “It wasn’t very good. I didn’t think you’d like it. You have such high standards and I fall well short of them.”

“Do you still have it?”

“Yes, but–”

“Then show me. I want to read it.” Nezumi leans in closer. “What do *you* want? What are all the things you’d like to do but won’t because you’re either too afraid or too considerate?”

“I...” Shion falters, uncertain over whether he should answer honestly. “I want you to hold my hand. We do it often enough when we’re at home, but it’s different when we’re not. I understand we need to be discreet, but–”

Nezumi cuts him off again, this time by linking his fingers with Shion’s. “See? It really is that easy. You don’t even have to think about it. You just do it. Well?” he prompts. “What else? There has to be more than this.”

And there is. Once Shion starts talking, he can’t stop. The words come tumbling out. When it’s over, he feels lighter somehow, like a burden has been lifted. He thinks he knows now what people mean when they talk about getting things off their chest. Nezumi simply listens patiently and then offers to take him out to see a play the following weekend. Shion, much to his surprise, accepts.

It’ll be their first date.

“Is that all?” says Nezumi, when Shion finally comes to a stop. “Or is there more?”

There is just one thing left. “Back then,” Shion begins softly, “when you mentioned you were tired of not being able to tell people I’m yours. Was that true? Do I really belong to you?”

“Idiot.” Nezumi’s voice is warm and affectionate. “Did you think you were the only one who gets jealous?”

Shion’s eyes widen. It doesn’t make sense. He’s not like Nezumi. He isn’t popular. Until this morning, he’s been invisible to more or less the rest of the school. He has no clue as to what – or who – Nezumi could possibly be envious of.

“You’re not aware of it yourself,” Nezumi continues. “I see it, though. People rely on you to get things done. They depend on you. You wouldn’t be class rep otherwise. You’ve earned a lot of respect. You don’t realise it, but there are actually girls out there who like you. You’re too dense to understand that some of them are after you for more than friendship. You’re clueless, but you have a habit of getting people to open up. You could probably get a total stranger to tell you their life story just from being by their side. And it’s not because you look so cute and harmless. People can’t help being drawn to you.”

There’s a part of Shion that’s aching to believe what Nezumi says, it’s far too difficult for the rest of him. If anyone is capable of attracting others, it’s Nezumi. He shines so much brighter than Shion. But maybe, just maybe, what started out as a terrible nightmare could soon turn into a wonderful dream. Even so, he’ll have to return to reality at some point. And in order to do that, he needs to find the strength to rise above whatever anyone throws at him.

“Nezumi,” he says, squeezing the hand that’s connected to his. “It’s okay for me to love you, isn’t it?”

“Of course,” Nezumi assures him, squeezing back.

Shion’s heart soars. They should kiss, he tells himself. There’s nothing to stop them. And so, giddy and overflowing with happiness, he closes what little distance is left between them, but the moment is ruined when the bell rings shrilly to signal the break before lunch.

“Oh, no. We’ve just missed two classes in a row.”

“Then I guess we might as well ditch all the rest while we’re at it.”

Shion is in no mood to argue. Anyway, it’s worth the blemish on his perfect school record.

 

End.


End file.
